Learning to Cope Through Terror

During the panic of Covid-19 the World Health Organisation has set out guidelines to help us stay healthy. Keep your distance, wash your hands and only go out when necessary. While we have been told that this is a pandemic, we are also told that if we are already healthy, we should make it through without a bother. As a person with OCD, this is hard to get into my head. My skin is burning from washing my hands, I feel like all of my clothes are contaminated from using them to touch buttons on lifts and to hold door handles.

On a normal day when I touch something I deem to be ‘dirty’ I feel like I can feel the germs on my fingertips, stinging as it drips into my blood stream and totally visible like in that episode of Scrubs, where it is a green mist that lingers. Throw in a global crisis where everywhere you look people are preaching about how touching anything will result in death. It’s hard not to lock yourself away forever and never talk to another human again. I’ve had this constant anxiety pain in my stomach for weeks as every time some sniffs I stop myself from freaking out. The advice to wash your hands in such a ritualistic way has only driven me and others like me to give into compulsions we have tried so hard to stay away from. A thing for me was how much this pandemic has highlighted how many people didn’t wash their hands before, which is baffling to me. I feel focused on the virus at all times and have found myself having to sit with myself and convince myself to go out and get my post. A huge part of my OCD includes food and getting sick from eating so food shortages across the city have made me nervous as I find myself going into shops, which is an already gruelling experience, and wander around having no idea what I can eat and how I could possibly cope with being inside for two weeks. Along with hating myself when I hold my breath as someone else walks to close to me in the bread aisle.

In an video posted by the BBC Dr. Andrew Iles stated that for someone who is suffering from OCD, pandemics can be detrimental as the sufferers are basically having their greatest fears confirmed. For people who fear that the world around them is constantly contaminated and filthy, therapy is aimed at reassuring them that the world around them is a wonderful and safe place. Therapies also include encouraging people with OCD not to wash their hands, sometimes encouraging them not to wash for prolonged periods of time. Now the news is screaming that we must constantly wash our hands and that there is a shortage of sanitizer, meaning that the moment you step outside you can feel the disease instantly hit your skin. Which of course, is not how it works. The thing with OCD is, most of the time, we know our intrusive thoughts are irrational but it just isn’t always possible to know for sure. Now, we know even less about the world around us.

While I in no way believe that I am some one who is ‘bad off’ in this situation, I am privileged to be a healthy human being, who can write from home if needed. I do also believe that it is important to be taking care of yourself mentally too. An anxious spell can lead your body to being run down, which will only cause you to panic more (It’s kind of just a swings and roundabouts situation). I worry for the amount of people who will develop coronavirus related OCD or anxiety. The fear that is falling over the world is playing on people’s anxieties. The misinformation we are reading on social media is only adding to this as people feel they need to source their facts from a random stranger with no medical experience on Twitter rather that the HSE, NHS or WHO. The best advice I could give to someone is kind of weak, but to stay informed through trustworthy sources while also not consuming yourself in it. If you can avoid social media, please do. If you can try to combat your compulsions, which is something I am also struggling, but we can be in this one together. To the frontline workers who are putting themselves in the firing line, I am forever grateful for the work you do every day. Not only the healthcare workers but for the people who deliver your post, sell you bread or who are cleaning the world around us on a daily basis. We will get through this and when we come out the other end, we can continue to work to try ease the anxiety that exists in the world.